7 TRAITS OF WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
Trevor Clarke
As I read and edited the submissions from three male contributors, it gave me constant smiles and even laughter. I could resonate with much of what was being said. There is a common theme and many similarities in the views, and if I had written a piece, it would most probably have been a blend of the three with just a few additional nuggets. Don’t get us wrong, I, and the other men here, love women, we love your company, having great conversations with you, and appreciate the many qualities and talents that you have and contribute. It is part of the equilibrium in this world that men and women need each other to complement each other’s strengths, and of course, to tolerate each other’s “weaknesses” (we may not recognise them as such!).
For balance, we will do a follow up feature, for the new magazine, Global Man, where we will invite women to offer their view of what men should know about women. If we can understand each other a little better, and collaborate together more rather than as separate entities, as if on different planets, then it will be our contribution towards the new paradigm and for making this a more balanced world, of harmony and less conflict. Do send us your views, Global Women, on what men should know about you!
BEN CHAI/ PROPERTY INVESTOR
WE ALL LIKE COMPLIMENTS….
- Men are simple That doesn’t mean that we aren’t intelligent or clever. Men say what they mean. There is no underlying message. If a man says he is tired – he is tired. If he is staring into the sky and you ask him what he is thinking and he says nothing, he is literally thinking nothing. There is no secret message, no hint, no message hidden between the lines. In addition, if we say something that seems ambiguous and can be taken as a compliment or as sarcasm pick the good one. If we don’t like something we will tell you. This is the reason why when we ask you a question, we also take your answer literally. Every answer you give us will be treated literally because we can’t read minds.
- Men can’t read your mind Women have this uncanny ability to read body language and between the lines that most men have no clue about. It is why two women can look at each other and know exactly what the other one is thinking. However men have no clue. It is why we don’t like questions such as how do you think I look in this dress? Or what do you think we should do in this situation? It is also why we don’t like given tasks such as “please sort out our branding,” or “take us to a good restaurant.” If you want men to do something, you need to tell them exactly what you want them to do. For example, “I like sushi, please take us to a good sushi restaurant.” If there is only one answer you want to hear, without bursting into tears or getting angry, then we would prefer you don’t even ask us the question. It is why men also don’t like hints.
- Men don’t like hints As we aren’t mind readers, we also don’t like hints. Yes, we can see that you are hinting at something but we honestly don’t have a clue at what you are hinting at. For example, if you say you’re fine but you’re clearly not and you want us to listen to you but keep telling us you’re fine, we’ll just give up and think you’re a drama queen or someone not worth dealing with. Men love solving problems but hate playing childish games. Just tell us what you want and don’t get angry with us if you aren’t specific and we guess wrong.
- Men love problem-solving If you don’t want us to coach you or offer solutions, tell us that you just want to vent and let off steam. Tell us that you just need someone to listen. If you don’t tell us that you don’t need help and you just want us to listen, we will offer up a solution….every time. Offering a solution to a problem is how we show we care. It also allows us to demonstrate that we are listening, and makes us feel like a man.
- Men like to be made to feel like men As women become more liberated, they prefer to do things for themselves. However, men like to feel like men. Let them do those little things like open doors and every so often. Let the men be the hero and fix and solve problems even when you can do it yourself. Other ways you can make men feel like men is to give them sincere compliments.
- Men like compliments We all like compliments. Who doesn’t?! However, men don’t have the sophisticated support system that many women have. Men are so used to competing and rarely get compliments. If you want to brighten a guy’s day – find something that you like about him and compliment him on it or say thank you for something he has done. However do make it sincere rather than “you’re awesome” or “I liked your talk” – tell them why you think he is awesome or why you liked his talk or how he has helped you in your life. On a side note, be careful with complimenting and touching guys, they literally get so few compliments that they may get the impression that you are into them. So be obvious about why you are complimenting them. By letting men know the why, you will communicate to him that you are a person of substance.
- Men like people of substance The older and more successful men get, the less time
they’re willing to spend ‘chasing’ you. If both you and he are interested in any type of connection, business or otherwise, there should be no reason to play hard to get or still talk in terms of branding and marketing. Either create a firm date with a substantial offering and a definite outcome or don’t engage. In the entrepreneurial world, women often tell me how wonderful they are and how many people are trying to do business with them. My response is always, “That’s great. I wish you all the best.” What the women are trying to say is that they would like to explore some kind of connection – so just be straight to the point if you wish to connect with a man. In addition, if you try to make guys envious or try to make them compete with one another, you will be labelled a drama queen or a mischief maker. If you want to attract and deal with successful men don’t even try to make us envious of another guy. It will push us away. Successful men are creatures of habit and will try to surround themselves with great people.
Men are creatures of habit Whether men are successful or unsuccessful, they are all creatures of habit. If a guy breaks a promise, cheats on a wife/girlfriend or business partner or engages in any other inappropriate behaviour, he will do it again. You cannot change it. He has a learned habit. The nurturing behaviour that many women have will drive them to try. It is a reason why many women have bad boy syndrome. In every single situation, the woman has been badly burned financially and emotionally. What’s worse they have now created a broken wing habit in themselves where they will only attract and be attracted to other unscrupulous men. Initially, perhaps for a few months or even a year the men will display great behaviour but eventually they will revert to type. If you play with fire expect to get burned. Conversely if you work with successful men who have helped many others be successful then expect your life to be enriched.
WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
ROLAND MUSTERT/ ENTREPRENEUR
- If a man says no he means no and if he says yes he means yes. Men tend to be rather direct and straightforward. In general there is no hidden meaning or agenda, nor beating around the bush. It’s just what it is.
- By nature men tend to be solution oriented, problem solvers. We have to, because we used to be the hunters and solve immediate problems (e.g. threats). So if a woman explains her problems to a man, he will typically come up with solutions and has no desire to talk about the process. When chased by a lion there is no time to discuss the process! For the lucky ladies whose partner has read John Gray’s book, you have a much higher chance, but go easy on him, because knowing and implementing are two different things.
- Related to the previous topic: men don’t sit in the pub for hours discussing feelings and going over the process again and again. They express their frustration, receive acknowledgement from their mates and that’s it. Problem solved.
- Don’t expect a man to read your thoughts, we’re not psychic. If you want us to do something or act a certain way then communicate that to us in a clear and unambiguous fashion. With repetition, over time these things will become a habit.
- If a man does something or behaves in a certain way that his partner doesn’t like, please keep in mind that his actions are not purposely to annoy you. He simply isn’t aware and needs to be educated. Of course, some men never learn anything.
- Men typically have a better sense of direction and for reading maps, whereas women are in fact better and/or safer drivers. Oh yes, I know I’ll make a lot of male friends with this one, however, it is scientifically proven. So if you go on a holiday tour by car, make sure the woman is driving and the man is navigating for optimal success. Amazingly enough the opposite is usually the case.
- A neurologist told me his discovery: There is a section in the brain that connects the right and left hemispheres. Research has revealed that men have only half the amount of connecting nerves in this section. As a result men typically THINK, THINK, THINK, FEEL, THINK, THINK, THINK, FEEL, whereas women go THINK, FEEL, THINK, FEEL, THINK, FEEL, THINK, FEEL. Given the fact the left hemisphere contains logic and reason and the right hemisphere contains emotions, it is not that difficult to get a better understanding of all the above points.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN
BY JOE ST CLAIR
In 1992, when John Grey published the book “Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus” little did he realise that it would go on to be a massive best seller that is still recognised today as a landmark textbook in terms of analysing male and female interactions.
A lot of the observations in the book could well be labelled as ‘fairly obvious’ because we all instinctively know most of these things anyway from our everyday experiences as men and women. But John Grey had the courage to set it all down in writing. So what has the book actually taught us? Have we all changed our behavior in the light of a better understanding of what makes men and women think and act differently? Not a bit!
We are all still led by our genetic inheritance, the role models we learned from our parents and media stereotypes. We might not really originate from Mars and Venus but we are still somehow ‘wired differently’. So maybe I can add a little to the endless mystery by humbly offering my own thoughts to the ongoing debate about ‘What women need to know about men’ deriving from my own very male perspective – with no apology!
So here, ladies, are my five top tips for understanding men better…
“WE NEED TO TALK…”
Okay. We all know that in general women like to talk more than men. That’s fine. We can deal with that. But most men also like to talk about things they are passionate about. Important things like football, beer, cars, films and gadgets. If a woman says to a man “We need to talk about quantum physics…” or the ‘Works of Shakespeare’ or ‘Brexit’ or ‘Hindu philosophy’ etc a man will generally respond favourably. That’s because the subject matter has been clearly identified and the man is on comfortable ground.
But if a woman simply says, “We need to talk…” and stops there – then icy shivers will run down a man’s spine. He will start to break into a sweat and start gibbering like an idiot because he has nothing of substance to cling to with his logical mind. So the message here ladies is very clear. Never say to a man those scary words “We need to talk…” Instead, always finish the sentence with words that a man can understand like beer, cars or plumbing. That way constructive dialogue can ensue instead of the mumbled ramblings of a confused lunatic.
A WORD ABOUT ‘SHOPPING’
What women need to understand about men and shopping is very simple. Shopping means that a man has realised he has a need for something. It might, for example, be a screwdriver, a new shaving razor, a new shirt for work, a four pack of beer or even a kebab. Once the need has been clearly identified a man heads for the nearest relevant shop, buys the item and then goes home. That’s it. That’s the whole story – a) decide what you need to buy b) buy it c) go home. That’s how a man’s brain works.
So if a woman suggests that she’d ‘like to go out shopping for a while’ a man’s brain will think she is operating from the same three step model. Which of course is a huge mistake as men have discovered to their cost. So the secret here ladies is to recognise this huge disparity between what you mean by ‘shopping’ and what men mean by ‘shopping’. This simple nugget of wisdom is offered in the hope that I can save many men from enduring hours of interminable suffering within shopping malls across the length and breadth of this land.
EMOTIONS
For a woman, emotions are a very important part of life and over many centuries women have come to recognise the subtle distinctions between hundreds of emotional states and categories. Women are experts when it comes to emotions and are able to precisely articulate how they are feeling. They might feel elated, dejected, sorrowful, tense, excited, morose, bored, joyful, embarrassed, distracted or focused. So however women are feeling at any point in time they will always find the right word for it.
But for a man life is infinitely more simple and straightforward. That’s because we only have two emotions. We are either ‘Happy’ or ‘Not Happy’. That’s it. You can test this observation by simply asking a man how he is feeling and nine times out of ten he will reply with either ‘I’m happy” or “I’m not happy”. He will then feel that he has adequately summarised and fully explained the whole breadth and depth of his emotional state of mind at that time.
A man is generally in the ‘Happy’ state when he is in his ‘comfort zone’ (i.e. with his mates in the pub or at a sports event, tinkering with his car, tidying his shed or watching his favourite TV show with a cold beer in hand). A man is generally in the “I’m Not Happy” state when there is no beer left in the fridge, the football match has been cancelled, Mormons are knocking at the door, his car has run out of petrol or when you casually say to him “We need to talk…” or ask him if he’d like to go shopping.
It’s important for women to recognise which emotional state a man is in. It’s actually not too difficult. If he is smiling you can assume he’s in the ‘Happy’ state. If he’s not smiling then you can assume he is in the ‘Not Happy’ state. But don’t ever expect him to reciprocate and understand how you are feeling emotionally. Because he will simply assume you are either ‘Happy’ or ‘Not Happy’ too. Sorry.
DON’T DROP HINT’S – IT WON’T WORK!
Women are subtle creatures. Their words are full of depth and hidden meanings. They like to create subtleties and drop hints. They are masters of innuendo and subterfuge. Rather than speaking plainly and directly they prefer to play little games seductively and lay verbal trails that they hope men will follow. For example, if a man asks his partner what she would like for Christmas he is desperately hoping she will say something like “I’d love that blue dress in the window of M&S size 14”. This, for a man, is the perfect answer. Concise and precise with clear instructions to follow. He can’t go wrong.
But women rarely say things like this. Instead women will tease men with words like “Oh I’d like you to buy me a surprise” or “Maybe some nice cosmetics or perfume” or “Something to wear on holiday”. To a man these words offer nothing but a range of endless vague possibilities that he can’t cope with. His mind goes into instant panic and turmoil and he starts thinking ‘What sort of surprise? A kitten maybe? A ticket to a football match? What type of perfume? What sort of accessories for a holiday? A mask and snorkel?
So although a woman will think she has given her man a useful and helpful tip that will help him to choose the perfect gift the poor guy is now in complete meltdown because he has absolutely no idea what to buy his beloved. He will have forgotten her favourite colour and also forgotten what perfume she wears so his mind will be a complete blank. So if you want something girls then don’t be shy. Tell him exactly and precisely what you need and he will buy it for you. Because guys don’t understand hints. But they do understand orders.
MEN ARE BASICALLY STILL CHILDREN
Yes, we may be six feet tall and have hairy backs but most guys still act and think from the lessons they learned in the school playground. Over the years women have matured and developed their intuitions and wisdom and they expect their blokes to have grown up in the same way. But, sorry, it’s not like that. Most of us never did ‘grow up’. We still laugh at crude jokes or laugh when someone falls over. We still call people by silly names, drink too much beer, laugh at our mates’ misfortunes and enjoy simple pleasures like kicking a ball (believing we are obviously just as skilled as Beckham) or climbing trees like an ape.
Our idea of fun is pulling our friends trunks down at the local swimming pool for a laugh and our idea of stimulating conversation is to have a Saturday night out with the boys at a dubious pub followed by a late night burger. We are simple creatures that enjoy our simple habits. That’s why men secretly like ‘motherly’ type women. Our mothers used to keep us in check and curb our excesses. Our mothers still think of us as ‘naughty children’ even when we are in our forties – and we still respect that.
So learn to live with it ladies. Your life might be a quest to find the ‘perfect man’ but the truth is he doesn’t exist. We are all just grown up naughty boys.